Cold hands, warm shart.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
