you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
