is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
