Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
