Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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