Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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