i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
