I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
even my farts smell like vagina
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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