we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
meet me or not, i'm out of control
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
