If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
