Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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