you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
