puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
