dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
one might say we're banned from that church
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
