I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
