Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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