dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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