fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
