CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
