We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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