Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
