you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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