Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
