dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
