I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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