i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
