I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I could make wine with my vomit
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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