The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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