Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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