and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
