i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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