Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
