I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
did you just send me my own nude
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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