As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
