I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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