is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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