I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
