It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
