Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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