Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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