Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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