I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
