I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
