My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
