How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
