i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
