I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
