Fine. I'll sleep in my office
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
