So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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