You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
