census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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