One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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