I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
